The Proclaimers

For a few minutes tonight I sat in my car alone except for the thoughts of how far I’ve strayed from my original path. The experience of seeing myself as somewhat of a selfish asshole isn’t something I look forward to or expect, but it just happens from time to time when I let it happen.

In just over a short week, I will be a married person. I’ve been looking forward to this experience throughout for my life so far (however short that may be), especially during the past four years of our very, very long engagement. The amount of worry and fear that I’ve been holding in is about to drive me crazy.

Many of the thoughts going through my head lately are wondering if Ashley is good enough to be my wife. I don’t think that’s something I’ve ever heard a man say a week before his wedding, but that’s the initial concern that’s been growing. Today though, in a sudden twist, I’ve begun to question if I’m good enough to be her husband.

The truth is, I don’t really know. And that makes me feel like an asshole.

I look back on the way things used to be. I remember never taking things for granted. I remember looking up and giving the most genuine of thanks to the people who helped raise me through so many difficult times. When compared to today… I have so much expectation in my life now. I worked hard, and I deserve this. Well, tomorrow I’m going to work harder. Don’t I deserve something more now?

Becoming an asshole is a gradual process. It’s a bad habit we develop, like biting on fingernails.

How selfish all this fear and doubt is. Running away from someone and leaving them stranded in a time of need is completely selfish, even though our perspective is clouded by worries that we’re not making the right decision, and that we need more time to process the events.

Each of us has but one life to live. This is my time, and this is my chance. I don’t want to make the wrong decision, whether that’s choosing someone that I’m not completely compatible to, or choosing to walk away after so much emotion and care has been invested by both parties.

The decision that I’ve come to is that I won’t know which decision is right. I’ve decided to accept that I’ll never know when to cash out my chips, or when to place another bet. I’ll never know how that relationship would have played out if I had made a move, or if I hadn’t made a move. But I’ve decided that decisions are not the important part. I’ve decided that my response is the important part. For right now, I see the world as a game of cards, and I’ve got to make the best hand out of what’s available, regardless of my decision that I prefer hearts over clubs.

So what’s my response to all this worry and doubt? How do I choose to respond to the realization that my intended path was lost somewhere in the past? I’m not sure exactly, but I think I’ll share it in my blog.

After I get back from my wedding.


~ by MichaelStaudenmeir on September 9, 2011.

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