The scariest part of marriage for me is the process of forging a new life. Routines and pre-set destinations are so comfortable to work with, but to evolve into a new lifestyle of choices seems overwhelming by comparison. Not so say there isn’t excitement in these new choices; I think fear and excitement go hand in hand. And just because something’s scary from one perspective doesn’t mean that will be true from all perspectives.

It’s not the need to make decisions that scares me, but rather the uncertainty in result from these decisions. All throughout my life, my parents have made decisions that affected our family, and everything turned out more or less okay from where I stand now. While I never understood the difficulty in processing each decision between two people until very recently, the plans and directions Ashley and I have discussed already scare me because I want to make sure that we make the right ones.

We have so many directions that we can take our lives; how do we know where we want to go? How will our needs and desires change over the next few years? Or dozen years? These thoughts keep me up at night as I reach out to people for help.

This Wednesday I have an interview with Edward’s Air Force Base; they were the group that I wrote about from Tech Fest about a month ago. I am so excited about the idea of being a test engineer for them at this point in my life, but with this choice and everything that follows with it, I get scared sometimes whether I’m making the right choice or not. There is so much uncertainty in the outcomes of this opportunity, and the entire decision making process begins with the results of this interview. If they decide I’m unfit, then the search will continue. If they like me, then we’ll see just how deep this rabbit-hole goes.

The choices I’m making today, about employment, living location, relationships I want to keep, and adjustments I will have to make, compile into an incredible list. Marriage and starting a career are two of the biggest choices we can make, and no authority on Earth can predict whether some short 23 year old will go on to conquer his goals or…… not.

My life has not gotten to this point on accident, and despite any temporary pressures, I am overwhelmingly pleased of the course it has taken. The respect that my family and friends have shown me has been helpful beyond measure, and Ashley’s ever-increasing support is crucial to my survival each day. Having said that, I would not recommend this lifestyle for everyone.

I hope this interview goes well. If it doesn’t, then I will move on and find some new choices to make. The potential for failure is scary, but my fear of inaction is stronger. I look forward to tomorrow and all the new paths I can take with my life. As long as I work hard and make choices to the best of my judgement, I will go somewhere in this life.


~ by MichaelStaudenmeir on March 21, 2011.

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